When two people decide their marriage is over, the hardest part is the effect on the children. Many couples stay together for the sake of the children; while others realize, for the child’s sake, separation is the only way; and then other couples never consider the children. They think only of their needs, expecting the children to survive. It is not the act of divorce itself but the process involved that determines its effects on children. The emotional impact of divorce on a child’s development in the early years of life can create problems in childhood, adolescence, and adult life. As the child matures, their personal and interpersonal behaviors are involved, such as:
- The ability to create deep and enduring love relations
- The strength to tolerate the imperfect satisfaction of personal needs
- The attitudes and desire to cooperate with others
- The motivation to learn and work
The paths these behaviors take are set in the early years of life by the quality of the attachment bond with both mother and father that are established during this time. (Dr. Peter Haiman) The ideal situation for any child is to live in a two-parent home where the parents love each other and the child. However, statistics show that a child in a happy single parent situation fares better that a child living in a home with constant fighting and bickering.
Separation Anxiety
Considerable evidence now documents that most infants form meaningful attachments to both of their parents at roughly the same age (birth to 7months). (Kelly & Lamb, 2000) This is true even though many fathers spend less time with their infants than mothers do. The infant may come to prefer the parent who takes primary responsibility, usually the mother, for their care; but this does not mean the relationship with the other parent is unimportant. A child may begin to develop separation anxiety (Separation Anxiety, 2010) which is a normal phase of development beginning with mobility at around 8 months and intensifying from 12 to 18 months. But with added turmoil or stress, the child may experience intense emotions when separated from either parent. They don’t understand the concept of time and don’t know when the parent will return, so there can be a lot of crying and resistance. To be separated feels like torture or a profound loss. To get over their separation anxiety the child needs to:
- Feel safe in their home environment
- Trust people other than their parents
- Trust that their parents will return (Separation Anxiety, 2010)
Infants and toddlers need to maintain contact with both parents on a regular basis. Extended separation from either parent is undesirable because it causes undue stress on developing attachment relationships. Both parents need to interact frequently with the daily routine care of the child (feeding, playing, diapering, soothing, putting to bed, bathing) to ensure that a strong relationship is developed and strengthened. If these relationships have been disrupted at this age, it is hard to develop parent-child relationship later in life. Instead, it is considerably better for all concerned to avoid such disruptions in the first place.
Overnights with the Nonresidential Parent
In the past child development research focused on preserving the mother-infant attachment within one home, while overnights with the father were forbidden or discouraged. Research today shows such recommendations did not take into account the child’s need to maintain and strengthen relationships with both parents after separation. A child thrives socially, emotionally, and cognitively if the caretaking arrangements are predictable and if both parents are sensitive to the child’s physical and developmental needs and emotionally available. (Kelly & Lamb, 2000) Staying overnight with the nonresidential parent provides crucial social interactions and nurturing activities, including bathing, soothing hurts, and anxieties, bedtime rituals, comforting in the middle of the night, and the reassurance and security of snuggling in the morning after awakening, that 1-2 hour visits can’t provide. If the child has his own bed and space in each home; he will feel more secure with a schedule that is predictable and managed without stress in each place. To be responsive to the toddler’s psychological needs, the parenting schedules adopted need to provide opportunities to interact with both parents every day or every other day in a congenial manner for the sake of the child. These everyday activities promote confidence in the parent while deepening the parent- child attachments. In addition, regardless of who’s the primary caregiver, a meaningful father-child relationship at this age may encourage fathers to remain involved in their children’s lives forever. The child will benefit from the extensive contact with both parents in their lives with shared parenting. Shared parenting is about co-parenting. (Edward Kruk, 2002) This means treating the other parent as an important part of your child’s life. These experiences provide children with social, emotional, and cognitively stimulating experiences to succeed in their education, work, and personal relationships in life.
Dr. Peter Haiman, P. (n.d.). Protecting a Child’s Emotional Development When Parents Divorce. Retrieved July 5, 2010, from The Natural Child Project: http://www.naturalchild.org
Edward Kruk, P. (2002, March 5). Shared Parenting After Separation. Retrieved July 6, 2010, from Fathers for Life.com: http://fathersforlife.org/divorce/kruk20.htm
Kelly, J. B., & Lamb, M. E. (2000, July). Child Development Research to Make Appropriate Custody and Access Decisions for Young Children. Retrieved July 5, 2010, from Separted Parenting Access and Resource Center: http://deltabravo.net/custody/child_development
Separation Anxiety. (2010). Retrieved July 5, 2010, from Google Health: https://health.google.com/health/ref/Separation+anxiety
Separation Anxiety. (2010, July 5). Retrieved July 6, 2010, from Kids Health.org: http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/separation_anxiety.html#
